He sat at the bar next to the odd fellow in a Weaklings t-shirt, cargo shorts, and an almost pretentious hat. One man, 205lbs with sideburns. The other, 205lbs and rapidly balding. Our initial man ordered a diet coke to Mr. Sideburn's whiskey diet, well grade naturally. This was Yurs on a Sunday night, springtime of 2008.
"Say, do you seem like my brother, only balder" said Sideburns to Baldy. Baldy says back "more than you'll ever know, friend." Both seemed to enjoy the other's company however Sideburns had judged the other man almost instantly, curious as to why he would invade the oh so valuable to him personal space. 4 feet, minimum. unless it was a girl.
"So, the first of January of 09 you won't be able to smoke in here, enjoy those Marlboros while you can. You'll miss the ambiance that the smoke offers, once and awhile" said Baldy. "At some point, you'll realize you are better off without the whiskey, too." "Ok, damn, you like to preach. Also, you are sitting too close. Let's go shoot some pool so Luke, Tony and the girls don't listen to this conversation. Sage advice isn't given freely, you know...or excepted freely, either" shot back a slightly irritated Sideburns.
Baldy let Sideburns break, as he knew that it was futile to sit and wait for the other to make a decision. Baldy also took back the reins of the conversation.
"I'm going to lay this out. Eventually you'll learn that being direct and honest is an asset. I am you, aged 6 years. 30 feels much, much different. I can only tell you my experience, and it's not worthwhile to preach, as it is your nature to try things first despite forewarning or sense...you think that you're the exception to the rule, and that maybe those rules don't apply to you."
"I'm all ears. I'm slightly drunk, and I'll lend an ear since someone keeps playing this shitty Bad Religion album on the jukebox."
"Eventually you learn the art of critical thought without a pint in ya, and what a difference this makes. Also, empathy -a foreign word to you at this point- rears it's reasonable head after you have Bella...Oh shit, Bella."
"Bella? I heard that they are making a movie from those horrid 'Twilight' books."
"Here's a shock. You, the man who swears he is infertile due to his risky behavior has a child. Here, take a look. Oh yeah, you give in and buy a smartphone too. Look at all these pics..."
Baldy hands over his phone to Sideburns, who lights up at the prospect of having a phone that he can listen to music on, and maybe even watch porn from time to time. After looking through all 500 plus pics, Sideburns hands it back. Suddenly, his Nokia doesn't feel so versatile...the pics are so grainy.
"Good to see I still take pics of everything and send them to people. Okay, so I have a daughter, and she looks a lot like me, tall and almost heaven sent." Sideburns had a way with words. "I don't see a wedding ring, did you steal this kid?" "Nope, " states Baldy, "You are about to go through an insane ride the next few years, perhaps this is why your hair ends up as mine. It'll be tough, but you get through, and learn that all those seemingly worthless platitudes such as 'hang in there' and 'one day at a time' actually have meaning and bearing in the world."
"Alright, did the Jehovah's Witnesses send you? I sense religion here..." Sideburns felt put upon. "No, that Zen ideology you flirted with 2 years ago comes back, and actually works...but don't be too preachy about it. It's best left to yourself." Baldy paused, took a drag of Sideburn's cigarette, and continued. "You'll learn to respect much more, which is a bonus. But about your kid...you do the normal route...marriage, kid, house. There are beautiful moments in all this, however at some point, probably somewhere in the next 2 years, you realize that this girl isn't a sure bet. All those people who you are sitting with, and hanging out with outside of this bar, drift away as you focus on covering an axe wound with a band aid. Fortunately, you picked some great people, and they come back, from Dave to Steve, and all of your family, and everyone in between."
"Shit, where do I go?" Sideburns was curious.
"Beaverton. After you leave John's Landing, everything flips script, so write all you can, keep it somewhere, and prepare to learn a lot. Tone down the arrogance while your at it, your friends aren't idiots and the whole bravado shtick wears thin...respect their intelligence, and the intelligence of even the most seemingly dimwitted people at your job. They come in handy. Here is why..."
Sideburns goes back to the table to grab his cigarettes. "Alright guys, I'm going to listen to this preachy fuck for awhile, holler if you need me." His comrades go back to fart and dick jokes, tastefully done, while Sideburns offers Baldy another smoke and they continue on.
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